I am Torn

It started. Yesterday, I cried with the realization of the impending daycare start.

You know, people used to ask me – how do you feel about it, are you ready? And I would shrug a bit and – honestly! – say that yes, I think I am ready, I am fairly certain Timothy will be fine and I need to reclaim a bit of myself. And they would give me a strange look, making me wonder whether they think me a bad mother – or a liar.

Well.

Turns out that while I was imagining this daycare start in my head, I was – quite purposely, I believe – sort of thinking of how I sometimes put Timothy to bed in the evening and go out. Which, I all of a sudden realized, is nothing like starting daycare. Cause while I will be away, Timothy won’t be sleeping. He will be playing, learning, laughing, smiling, crawling… he will be doing new things – and I won’t be able to see those firsts. He will turn around and I won’t be in the room. Will he be scared? Will his world shake?

I am torn. On the one hand, I am fairly certain he’ll be fine. I watched him play, I watched him in new environments, I did leave him with people other than hubby and I – he was totally fine.

On the other, I know that the earlier they start daycare, the less of a shock it is to them. Or so I’ve read. The more they grow, the more they get used to the way things are and the harder it is to adjust to something new. Even for their immune systems, I was told starting daycare later might be much harder, with many more illnesses…

On the other (third?) hand – it hurts me, it pains me, to imagine seeing him for only a couple of hours in the evening, at most…

Huh. Well, there you go. It looks like I am being selfish?! I hate the thought of daycare not because I worry about Timothy, really, but because I feel sad? How perverted, confused, and weird… No wonder I resorted to a few teardrops yesterday.

This is hard. Really, really hard.

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14 thoughts on “I am Torn

  1. Artistmouse

    Every working mom knows how you feel. Don’t apologize for your feelings. I thought I would spend my first few days back crying at my desk, but I didn’t. (I cried the day before I went back.) Yes, I hate being away from AJ for so long, but I get all of her attention when I get home. Just picture the excitment in those big blue eyes when you see Timothy after being away from him. It never gets old for me. Often I have to sneak into the house so I can get a bathroom break before being spotted. 🙂

    Reply
  2. BleedingTulip

    I don’t think you’re being selfish! Your thinking and feeling things that countless other moms have thought and felt. I look at my teeny tiny 11 day old daughter, and think about my 6 weeks of maternity leave (only 4.5 weeks left) and my heart breaks and I feel nauseous with worry and anxiety… To think of everything I will miss, but also worried that someone else can’t possibly take care of her right… It’s part of why I have yet to complete and post anything else. I just sit and stare at her face realizing how priceless every second I have .

    Reply
    1. newtorontomom Post author

      THAT I cannot even imagine! How can anyone be back at work with a 6-week-old? You’re still not healed, you’re still hormonally crazy, your baby sleeps very little… It’s one thing if you’re a paper-pusher, but what if you’re a surgeon? Six week, poor you 😦

      Reply
      1. BleedingTulip

        I certainly didn’t mean to make you feel bad for me! I’m sorry 😦 I only meant that I am having similar thoughts as you at this time… Some days I don’t think I can possibly return to work. Other times I remind myself of why I love my job, and tell myself it will all be ok. In all honesty I probably won’t be able to handle it but I feel like I need to TRY returning to work… If only so I don’t feel like I let my employer down. But that seems stupid… If my gut is saying it won’t work, why go through the stress and anxiety? Sorry, my comments are starting to turn into a blog post, I just haven’t had a good outlet to talk about this!

        Reply
  3. Sam

    It’s harder on you than it will be on him actually hon. Cos we know what we’re going to miss out on, for them it’s “just Mom” being away for a bit. And while it sucks that someone else gets to take care of him during the day, when you get home his excitement is going to blow your mind. Your weekends will become even more precious than they are now. The time you will spend with him will become BETTER quality cos of the time away during the week.

    It will all be ok, I promise.

    xxx

    Reply
    1. newtorontomom Post author

      I hope you’re right. I see a shadow of it when daddy comes home – Timothy’s always ECSTATIC to see him, the smile cannot be wider. When asked “where’s daddy, Timothy point immediately. He still has no idea “where is mommy” – looks all over the room and points wherever… And this morning as I hugged hubby good-bye, Timothy waved at him!

      Yes, hubby sees Timothy only in mornings, evenings (long enough to read a good-night book) and weekends – but oh, the intensity of their relationship!

      Thank you for posting this. Made me feel so much better 🙂

      Reply
  4. St. Elsewhere

    I can imagine how hard it must be.

    I first left my daughter in daycare when she was six months old, and I was pretty okay with it.

    After a spell of what-nots, dear daughter has been home/away from daycare since mid December, and the time for her to be back there is coming soon. I too, have a ball of stone in my tummy about it.

    She did not exhibit stranger anxiety before this, but the past week or so, she has suddenly developed it!

    Reply

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